Dear readers,
Last Friday night on my way home a car about 150 yards in front of me slammed into a tree going 50+mph. The engine caught fire and I was one of a dozen people who ran to pull the passengers out of the car. The driver was drunk and killed 2 of the passengers and a third is in critical condition. That scene will stay with me forever. I end every story with "Drink responsibly and be safe". Please call a taxi or call a friend or walk. Do not put yourself or those around you in danger. Despite a car on fire we spent several minutes trying to pull someone from the wreckage who had no chance and held another's hand as they passed. I like to tell funny stories from a bar but I just want to ask everyone to be safe and don't let anyone drive drunk. My prayers are with the families of those victims while I don't know their names they have left me impacted deeply.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Please Be Patient
Writing a personality test for my readers and it takes far more time than I imagined. It will be coming shortly.
-Polite Bouncer
-Polite Bouncer
Monday, July 20, 2009
What Not To Say
Dibs suck, nothing is what it seems, better things come least expected, inspiration lacks, boredom abounds, and American economic policy should concentrate on a strong dollar and return to the gold standard.
This is a story from one of our servers. One of her customers attempted to spit some game and it went like this:
Douchebag Customer: "Are you new?"
Sharon: "No, I have worked here for two years."
DC: "Did you just have a baby?"
Sharon: "Excuse me?!"
DC: "Well, it just looks at though you may have recently had a baby."
*He stares at her boobs. She is petite and has rather large whatnots and is quite hot. We can only assume he was trying to be clever by insinuating in a roundabout manner.*
Sharon walks away and continues with her work trying to ignore the snickers of her tables. Picking up an order from the line; she is carrying out the plates when the loud-mouthed bathroom attendant yells "Wide Load coming through!". I can only hope that when she one day stabs a customer I get to see it for a follow up story for this blog.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
This is a story from one of our servers. One of her customers attempted to spit some game and it went like this:
Douchebag Customer: "Are you new?"
Sharon: "No, I have worked here for two years."
DC: "Did you just have a baby?"
Sharon: "Excuse me?!"
DC: "Well, it just looks at though you may have recently had a baby."
*He stares at her boobs. She is petite and has rather large whatnots and is quite hot. We can only assume he was trying to be clever by insinuating in a roundabout manner.*
Sharon walks away and continues with her work trying to ignore the snickers of her tables. Picking up an order from the line; she is carrying out the plates when the loud-mouthed bathroom attendant yells "Wide Load coming through!". I can only hope that when she one day stabs a customer I get to see it for a follow up story for this blog.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
HP6 MADNESS!
The crowd at the midnight showing was huge, costumed and excited. At 10PM there were well over 100 people and by 11PM well over 500. 6 theatres full of anxious Harry Potter fans!
Harry Potter Pickup Lines:
1. Don't worry, I got checked and I don't have Hogwarts.
2. Would you like to play with my wand?
3. When I am Seeker I always find the Golden Snitch.
4. Would you play with my Sorceror's Stones?
5. 2 Girls, 1 Goblet of Fire?
Seriously, it was a wonderful movie. Special effects and animation were flawless, the adaptation was adherent to the story but played with little exposition which was exciting and fairly novel to watch. Absolute must see, after wasting money to see Bruno (dear God why?!) HP6 was just what I needed.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Harry Potter Pickup Lines:
1. Don't worry, I got checked and I don't have Hogwarts.
2. Would you like to play with my wand?
3. When I am Seeker I always find the Golden Snitch.
4. Would you play with my Sorceror's Stones?
5. 2 Girls, 1 Goblet of Fire?
Seriously, it was a wonderful movie. Special effects and animation were flawless, the adaptation was adherent to the story but played with little exposition which was exciting and fairly novel to watch. Absolute must see, after wasting money to see Bruno (dear God why?!) HP6 was just what I needed.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Mistaken Identity
Brock Lesnar is a no class jerk, GSP needs to move up to Middleweight, and Dan Henderson is an American hero. I don't care if you resent me, as long as you continue reading...and dancing.
So I get called to the front door last night and there is a Deputy in the local Sheriff's office at the door. For half a second I wonder if I have done anything legally questionable. I ask him how I can help him and he says he has a to-go order he put in about half an hour ago. I walk back to the kitchen and ask but they say they have no orders. I ask the bar, the hostess and all the waitresses but get the same answer each time. Then I took a breath and planned out what I could do; while I crapped my pants wondering how we goofed a cop's order. As I walk back up to the front to check with the managers at the door I see the Deputy walk away. I ask if he was mad and they say "Yeah, at himself". It turns out he ordered it from another bar a couple blocks down the street and just forgot. He walked out of the bar to wait for his food and he saw our 5 story tall sign with the bar's name on it and through his keen investigative mind apparently pieced it together.
Patrons beware, we have a new undercover security member fresh from the coal mines of Texas.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
So I get called to the front door last night and there is a Deputy in the local Sheriff's office at the door. For half a second I wonder if I have done anything legally questionable. I ask him how I can help him and he says he has a to-go order he put in about half an hour ago. I walk back to the kitchen and ask but they say they have no orders. I ask the bar, the hostess and all the waitresses but get the same answer each time. Then I took a breath and planned out what I could do; while I crapped my pants wondering how we goofed a cop's order. As I walk back up to the front to check with the managers at the door I see the Deputy walk away. I ask if he was mad and they say "Yeah, at himself". It turns out he ordered it from another bar a couple blocks down the street and just forgot. He walked out of the bar to wait for his food and he saw our 5 story tall sign with the bar's name on it and through his keen investigative mind apparently pieced it together.
Patrons beware, we have a new undercover security member fresh from the coal mines of Texas.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Musings of an Unrested Bouncer
Taking my precious few free moments today to rest before work. And of course to feed your blog appetite you mindless readerbots!
UFC 100 Picks:
Bisping over Henderson: TKO.
St. Pierre over Alves: Unanimous Decision.
Mir over Lesnar: TKO via Submission.
Quote of the Night:
"You're a knuckle-dragging caveman."
-Man at the front door to the doorman.
Security Debate:
Should Michael Jackson's family and/or estate be liable to pay the $2,000,000.00 it cost the city of Los Angeles for his funeral?
Feel free to post your opinion in a comment on this thread as always.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
UFC 100 Picks:
Bisping over Henderson: TKO.
St. Pierre over Alves: Unanimous Decision.
Mir over Lesnar: TKO via Submission.
Quote of the Night:
"You're a knuckle-dragging caveman."
-Man at the front door to the doorman.
Security Debate:
Should Michael Jackson's family and/or estate be liable to pay the $2,000,000.00 it cost the city of Los Angeles for his funeral?
Feel free to post your opinion in a comment on this thread as always.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Friday, July 10, 2009
Don't Make Us The Bad Guys Pt. 1
Warehouse 13, Better Off Ted, The Philanthropist and Burn Notice. All quite good shows that I am watching at the moment, take a look. Holy screaming co-eds Batman!
I feel if you were formerly employed at an establishment you would know that the management knows your age. I tell this to a former waitress who snuck in 3 months after getting fired hoping she would understand. Is it a surprise when we escort you out of the building? I think not, but regardless you are treated with more respect than usual. We take your drink and whisper to ask you to leave so the whole VIP room isn't staring.
How many James Bond movies do you need to watch before trying to come back? We know this waitress who tries this is 19 years old. I happened to be there when she tried, so I am at the front door when she returns. I am watching as she passes a fake to the doorman. My door staff never really interacted with her during her 4 week employment most notably marked by chronic absence. I ask to see the ID:
Me: "Didn't you use to work here?"
Lucretia: "No, that was my sister."
Me: "Really, you two could be twins."
Lucretia: "....."
Me: "Well, you show me a matching credit card and I will let you in."
I tell my door guy she is either lying or a doppelganger. Not many 5'11" girls walking around here with too much cleavage who smell like low self-esteem. I go in and tell the other managers and as we walk up to laugh at her she bolts. 2 weeks later I stop by the local college hangout and who do I see throwing herself around but our secret identity waitress. She jumps on me and coyly admonishes me for not letting her in. Then I watch her make out with another girl while 2 guys hump her on the dance floor. So classy.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
I feel if you were formerly employed at an establishment you would know that the management knows your age. I tell this to a former waitress who snuck in 3 months after getting fired hoping she would understand. Is it a surprise when we escort you out of the building? I think not, but regardless you are treated with more respect than usual. We take your drink and whisper to ask you to leave so the whole VIP room isn't staring.
How many James Bond movies do you need to watch before trying to come back? We know this waitress who tries this is 19 years old. I happened to be there when she tried, so I am at the front door when she returns. I am watching as she passes a fake to the doorman. My door staff never really interacted with her during her 4 week employment most notably marked by chronic absence. I ask to see the ID:
Me: "Didn't you use to work here?"
Lucretia: "No, that was my sister."
Me: "Really, you two could be twins."
Lucretia: "....."
Me: "Well, you show me a matching credit card and I will let you in."
I tell my door guy she is either lying or a doppelganger. Not many 5'11" girls walking around here with too much cleavage who smell like low self-esteem. I go in and tell the other managers and as we walk up to laugh at her she bolts. 2 weeks later I stop by the local college hangout and who do I see throwing herself around but our secret identity waitress. She jumps on me and coyly admonishes me for not letting her in. Then I watch her make out with another girl while 2 guys hump her on the dance floor. So classy.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Don't Lie to the Boss
I am quite excited for Lesnar vs Mir II, here is hoping the well-rounded martial artist defeats the athletic goliath. T minus 6 days until Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince hits theatres; I know I am not the only person who ordered their Hermione costume to wear for the premier.
This is the story of one of my former bouncers. We will call him Baldy. Baldy was a talker, never knew how to mind his business and do his job. He was constantly telling people how and what to do and thought in about a month he had the bar at his fingertips and was running the show. Pride cometh before the fall. Well, one night he had some friends in the bar eating and drinking and he was trying to show them a good time. He goes to the bar and requests 3 bottles of champagne for his friends' table. Later on in the night one of the managers comes to him and asks him how he will settle the champagne. Realizing that they are not comped like he hoped they would be, he says he spoke with our owner and arranged they would be bought at cost. The manager calls the owner and asks if he had made such a deal. Obviously it was a lie. The owner says he will be there for last call and handle it.
The owner walks over to me and asks me to stand by so I can be there to control the situation if he blows up on Baldy. He pulls him aside and asks him what happened with the bottles and then Baldy makes up a new story that he had arranged it to be comped with another manager. "GIVE ME YOUR RADIO AND GET THE F*** OUT RIGHT NOW!" is all I hear from the owner. He walks over handing me Baldy's stuff and instructs me to see him out and ban him from the property. It all comes out that he was trying to play both ends and con someone into discounting nearly $300 in liquor. So for nearly 6 months we hear nothing from Baldy.
Well, this story has a tragically comical epilogue. The reason Baldy had been hired was his wife is the General Manager of our owner's fine dining restaraunt. 6 months later on a regular Friday night, Baldy calls in asking if we would let him and 2 of his friends in without ID. I told him I would ask the owner and get back to him. The owner instructs me he is under no circumstances allowed in as he left his wife just yesterday and was a verified scumbag (he actually dropped 6 F-bombs in 1 sentence and described an act of torture but I need to keep this semi-clean). I wonder how it makes sense to leave your wife one day and then take out new girls the next night to the bar owned by her boss. Baldy, you know who you are and you are a giant douche.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
This is the story of one of my former bouncers. We will call him Baldy. Baldy was a talker, never knew how to mind his business and do his job. He was constantly telling people how and what to do and thought in about a month he had the bar at his fingertips and was running the show. Pride cometh before the fall. Well, one night he had some friends in the bar eating and drinking and he was trying to show them a good time. He goes to the bar and requests 3 bottles of champagne for his friends' table. Later on in the night one of the managers comes to him and asks him how he will settle the champagne. Realizing that they are not comped like he hoped they would be, he says he spoke with our owner and arranged they would be bought at cost. The manager calls the owner and asks if he had made such a deal. Obviously it was a lie. The owner says he will be there for last call and handle it.
The owner walks over to me and asks me to stand by so I can be there to control the situation if he blows up on Baldy. He pulls him aside and asks him what happened with the bottles and then Baldy makes up a new story that he had arranged it to be comped with another manager. "GIVE ME YOUR RADIO AND GET THE F*** OUT RIGHT NOW!" is all I hear from the owner. He walks over handing me Baldy's stuff and instructs me to see him out and ban him from the property. It all comes out that he was trying to play both ends and con someone into discounting nearly $300 in liquor. So for nearly 6 months we hear nothing from Baldy.
Well, this story has a tragically comical epilogue. The reason Baldy had been hired was his wife is the General Manager of our owner's fine dining restaraunt. 6 months later on a regular Friday night, Baldy calls in asking if we would let him and 2 of his friends in without ID. I told him I would ask the owner and get back to him. The owner instructs me he is under no circumstances allowed in as he left his wife just yesterday and was a verified scumbag (he actually dropped 6 F-bombs in 1 sentence and described an act of torture but I need to keep this semi-clean). I wonder how it makes sense to leave your wife one day and then take out new girls the next night to the bar owned by her boss. Baldy, you know who you are and you are a giant douche.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Bouncer ESP
For the record dibs are binding and have no expiration. Also, I am quite disappointed that Michael Jackson didn't pop up from the coffin into choreography for a Thriller performance and punk the whole world.
Contrary to popular belief sometimes the doorstaff feels bad about having to deny people entry. There are genuinely nice people lost in the crowd of douchebags. One thing I hate personally is rejecting someone after they went and changed or bought something new. But thanks to a customer I care no more.
A guy comes up at around 6PM with an Oakland Raiders jersey on. I tell him that we don't allow out of season jerseys. If he could get a different shirt he would be good to come in. He turns around and leaves. I didn't think about him again until 10PM. He comes back in a drastically oversized collared shirt. I felt like an asshole telling him he was yet again non-compliant with the dress code. Then he accused me with quite possibly the most tremendous line ever:
"Man! How come you didn't tell me this shirt was going to be too big before I bought it?"
I assured him that as a doorman I had no psychic links with local clothing retailers and was therefore unable to warn him against his Blac Label 3XLT selection. As he left with the usual string of half-whispered insults I looked around to make sure everyone else working near the door heard it. If you are turned around for dress code I will tell you everything you have wrong and try and guide you on what to do to fix it. However, this only furthers my interest in a bar t-shirt operation at the front door.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Contrary to popular belief sometimes the doorstaff feels bad about having to deny people entry. There are genuinely nice people lost in the crowd of douchebags. One thing I hate personally is rejecting someone after they went and changed or bought something new. But thanks to a customer I care no more.
A guy comes up at around 6PM with an Oakland Raiders jersey on. I tell him that we don't allow out of season jerseys. If he could get a different shirt he would be good to come in. He turns around and leaves. I didn't think about him again until 10PM. He comes back in a drastically oversized collared shirt. I felt like an asshole telling him he was yet again non-compliant with the dress code. Then he accused me with quite possibly the most tremendous line ever:
"Man! How come you didn't tell me this shirt was going to be too big before I bought it?"
I assured him that as a doorman I had no psychic links with local clothing retailers and was therefore unable to warn him against his Blac Label 3XLT selection. As he left with the usual string of half-whispered insults I looked around to make sure everyone else working near the door heard it. If you are turned around for dress code I will tell you everything you have wrong and try and guide you on what to do to fix it. However, this only furthers my interest in a bar t-shirt operation at the front door.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Party Foul
Several movies coming out this week. I will hopefully have a Hurt Locker review soon. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.
Working security we always snag a styrofoam To-Go cup so we can have something to drink during our shift. Most guys get water, I prefer Pepsi because it has a magical flavor interaction with dip (neither here nor there I guess). We usually set them near where we are posted for easy access, however we do wander around our areas to change angles and see what is going on.
Well, my VIP guy Beethoven was walking around the VIP room when he looked over to the ledge he set his cup on. There was a visibly ill girl hovering right over it. He kept watching as she popped off the lid and vomited into his cup. Then to his shock she put the lid back on and set it down. Beethoven intercepted her before she rejoined her party.
Beethoven: "Ma'am, it is time for you to go. You are overly-intoxicated."
Cup-Puker: "It's okay, I got it all out. I am fine now."
Beethoven: "This isn't a request. You are done. You need to head out now."
Cup-Puker calls out for her boyfriend who runs over and confronts my guy.
CP's Boyfriend: "Get your hands off my girlfriend!"
Beethoven: "I don't want to touch her. She threw up in my cup! Get her out right now before we drag both of you downstairs and outside."
About this point her only mildly-retarded boyfriend gets what is going on and decided to start cajoling his girlfriend out of the bar. I feel some patience for people who make it to the bathroom and toss in the toilet. No mess, no hassle. However, if you get it on the bar, floor, table, someone else, in a bouncer's drink.......expect to get thrown out. If the bouncer doesn't happen to be watching and would have drank it I think a jury would find him justified in beating you to death with a pillowcase full of doorknobs.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Working security we always snag a styrofoam To-Go cup so we can have something to drink during our shift. Most guys get water, I prefer Pepsi because it has a magical flavor interaction with dip (neither here nor there I guess). We usually set them near where we are posted for easy access, however we do wander around our areas to change angles and see what is going on.
Well, my VIP guy Beethoven was walking around the VIP room when he looked over to the ledge he set his cup on. There was a visibly ill girl hovering right over it. He kept watching as she popped off the lid and vomited into his cup. Then to his shock she put the lid back on and set it down. Beethoven intercepted her before she rejoined her party.
Beethoven: "Ma'am, it is time for you to go. You are overly-intoxicated."
Cup-Puker: "It's okay, I got it all out. I am fine now."
Beethoven: "This isn't a request. You are done. You need to head out now."
Cup-Puker calls out for her boyfriend who runs over and confronts my guy.
CP's Boyfriend: "Get your hands off my girlfriend!"
Beethoven: "I don't want to touch her. She threw up in my cup! Get her out right now before we drag both of you downstairs and outside."
About this point her only mildly-retarded boyfriend gets what is going on and decided to start cajoling his girlfriend out of the bar. I feel some patience for people who make it to the bathroom and toss in the toilet. No mess, no hassle. However, if you get it on the bar, floor, table, someone else, in a bouncer's drink.......expect to get thrown out. If the bouncer doesn't happen to be watching and would have drank it I think a jury would find him justified in beating you to death with a pillowcase full of doorknobs.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Monday, July 6, 2009
Ghetto Geronimo
One of our security staff is deploying to a middle eastern country that will remain anonymous but might rhyme with Schmafghanistan. Stay safe brother.
Working the front door you get some random IDs shown. The obviously fake, the ripped in half, soggy, expired, photocopied because I lost my wallet.....yadda, yadda.
Occasionally you get one that is just mind boggling. So a group comes up and reads the House Rules sign. The first to talk to the door staff is an average looking black man. He has dreadlocks wrapped up, jeans and Tims on. He hands us his ID and we are a little confused. It is a Tax Exempt ID for the Native American tribes Creek, Chok'taw and Cherokee (one of our security staff had little concern about what the card said but as soon as he saw Tax Exempt he saw red and had to remove himself before he disemboweled him for civic negligence). Well, first time we had ever seen a reservation ID since the closest one is in North Carolina. We start verifying information to see if it has all the prerequisites of a true ID. Then the name hits us: Minister Abiz Majsit al-Seyit was an Aboriginal minister according to this ID.
The ID was formal just not sensible. It very may be legal and kosher, however we were unwilling to chance it.
Polite Bouncer: "I am sorry sir, while it looks to be in order we have no precedent to accept this ID. Did you drive here? I could look at your DMV issued Driver's License."
Minister X: "I am not a US citizen! I am a US nationale! You don't even know the difference."
PB: "Well, I am very sorry sir but without appropriate ID I can't help you tonight."
MX: "F*** this man, let's go somewhere else. They don't like black people here."
I turn around and look in to make sure the 150 black people that were in the bar 5 minutes ago are still in there then I laugh and go inside. While I would like to think that man is just the constant victim of circumstance (being a black/Native American Muslim minister) I can't help but think that ID is the sign of abuse within our system. He can receive Tax Exempt Status for his "church" and himself by hiding under something he is blatantly not. Maybe one day I will visit his reservation, at the PO box in Newport News.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Working the front door you get some random IDs shown. The obviously fake, the ripped in half, soggy, expired, photocopied because I lost my wallet.....yadda, yadda.
Occasionally you get one that is just mind boggling. So a group comes up and reads the House Rules sign. The first to talk to the door staff is an average looking black man. He has dreadlocks wrapped up, jeans and Tims on. He hands us his ID and we are a little confused. It is a Tax Exempt ID for the Native American tribes Creek, Chok'taw and Cherokee (one of our security staff had little concern about what the card said but as soon as he saw Tax Exempt he saw red and had to remove himself before he disemboweled him for civic negligence). Well, first time we had ever seen a reservation ID since the closest one is in North Carolina. We start verifying information to see if it has all the prerequisites of a true ID. Then the name hits us: Minister Abiz Majsit al-Seyit was an Aboriginal minister according to this ID.
The ID was formal just not sensible. It very may be legal and kosher, however we were unwilling to chance it.
Polite Bouncer: "I am sorry sir, while it looks to be in order we have no precedent to accept this ID. Did you drive here? I could look at your DMV issued Driver's License."
Minister X: "I am not a US citizen! I am a US nationale! You don't even know the difference."
PB: "Well, I am very sorry sir but without appropriate ID I can't help you tonight."
MX: "F*** this man, let's go somewhere else. They don't like black people here."
I turn around and look in to make sure the 150 black people that were in the bar 5 minutes ago are still in there then I laugh and go inside. While I would like to think that man is just the constant victim of circumstance (being a black/Native American Muslim minister) I can't help but think that ID is the sign of abuse within our system. He can receive Tax Exempt Status for his "church" and himself by hiding under something he is blatantly not. Maybe one day I will visit his reservation, at the PO box in Newport News.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
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