So I have decided to alternate between bar stories and other stories. Today I will try my hand at movie reviewing!
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen --- Key Plot Elements
1. Megan Fox
2. Good Robots
3. Bad Robots
4. Did I mention Megan Fox? Because if I didn't I should have.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen --- Big Questions
1. If the Autobots are all GM, Chevy and American carmakers then are all the Decepticons foreign? Will there be ninjabots in Transformers 3 that are all Honda Civics?
2. Would a gay transformer be a Prius or any Scion?
3. What does Megan Fox's hair smell like?
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen--- Timeline
0-30 min: OMG Megan Fox is in part 2!!!!1!!one1!! Note: You can pretty much see her uterus through her short shorts.
30-45 min: Boring college freshman scene no one cares about because we are still in our refractory period after first Megan Fox scene.
45-60 min: MEGAN FOX IS HOT! I am lightheaded watching her lips move with every word.
60-120 min: Designated naptime. There will be robots fighting and Fergie's boyfriend gets a decent amount of screen time. I am pretty sure bad robots accelerate the plot here. Couldn't tell you 100% because I was looking up Megan Fox's favorite Coldplay album on my iPhone.
120-180 min: Desert + Running + Megan Fox = Sweaty Glorious Cleavage. And the Autobots save Earth I am pretty sure by blowing up the whole middle east. Queue the Linkin Park song for the credits!
To sum up Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the best movie ever. And by best movie ever I mean Michael Bay is a no talent hack, Shia Lebeouf is a girlie man and MTV has released that they will begin filming Pimp My Autonomous Robotic Organism this fall with host Xzibit.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Don't Expect an Apology
The first two posts have been pretty dry so I am going to focus on the story more. Pseudonyms (stupid ones) will be used to provide the semblance of anonymity. Process, process, process.
Like all good bouncers I spend a portion of my time each night oggling my favorite waitress. I was quite content to finish out the night this last weekend doing so when I heard "Don't let that guy back in!" over the radio. Immediately I rush to the door to take stock of the situation. I get there and there are two smaller guys pleading their case with my massive door staff obviously to no avail. And just as I get there he is asking for a manager so I step in and ask him what is wrong. "Your man inside picked me up and carried me out cuz my shirt came out while I was dancin' man. He didn't say nothin' just grabbed me up man. I ain't no kid, that's how I pick up my daughter man! You can't handle a man like that. That's disrespectful! I want you as a manager to make your boy come out here and apologize to me." I feel like he said more but after the apologize demand it all turned into "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH I am buttsore about getting tossed by a short white guy." I have worked with the bouncer he was talking about for a year and I know that Oregon would not have just tossed someone for no reason. So using all the manager training I possessed I tuned the guy out while spouting a stream of business-like jargon overwhelming him with policy and verbage hoping his brain would explode. I end the conversation and walk inside curious to find out what happened.
Me: "So I hear you are picking up people like babies and throwing them out."
Oregon: "Oh yeah? Who told you that?"
Me: "The little guy outside you manhandled just now. What actually happened?"
Oregon: "Beethoven and I warned this guy three times about untucking his shirt. After the third warning we backed up a little to watch what he would do. As soon as I walked away he looked at his friend and pointed at us and laughed then untucked his shirt."
Me: "He wasn't dancing?"
Oregon: "No! He was standing at the edge of the dance floor just staring at people dancing. So I looked at Beethoven and he said "Ready when you are." So we just ran straight through him each grabbing an arm and picking him up off the ground and dragged him straight out the door. He didn't do anything except look punked out."
Me: "He wants me to make you go out and apologize."
Oregon: "If I go out there I am not apologizing..."
We laugh and then follow in on the chorus of "Closed family!" to empty the bar.
I don't employ bouncers who are the stereotypical 300lb, 6'6" silent meatheads. I employ well-spoken and capable guys who get the job done no matter their size. If you want to try and ignore what my guys say then be ready to get picked up like a kid and dragged out. No apologies for a job well done.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Like all good bouncers I spend a portion of my time each night oggling my favorite waitress. I was quite content to finish out the night this last weekend doing so when I heard "Don't let that guy back in!" over the radio. Immediately I rush to the door to take stock of the situation. I get there and there are two smaller guys pleading their case with my massive door staff obviously to no avail. And just as I get there he is asking for a manager so I step in and ask him what is wrong. "Your man inside picked me up and carried me out cuz my shirt came out while I was dancin' man. He didn't say nothin' just grabbed me up man. I ain't no kid, that's how I pick up my daughter man! You can't handle a man like that. That's disrespectful! I want you as a manager to make your boy come out here and apologize to me." I feel like he said more but after the apologize demand it all turned into "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH I am buttsore about getting tossed by a short white guy." I have worked with the bouncer he was talking about for a year and I know that Oregon would not have just tossed someone for no reason. So using all the manager training I possessed I tuned the guy out while spouting a stream of business-like jargon overwhelming him with policy and verbage hoping his brain would explode. I end the conversation and walk inside curious to find out what happened.
Me: "So I hear you are picking up people like babies and throwing them out."
Oregon: "Oh yeah? Who told you that?"
Me: "The little guy outside you manhandled just now. What actually happened?"
Oregon: "Beethoven and I warned this guy three times about untucking his shirt. After the third warning we backed up a little to watch what he would do. As soon as I walked away he looked at his friend and pointed at us and laughed then untucked his shirt."
Me: "He wasn't dancing?"
Oregon: "No! He was standing at the edge of the dance floor just staring at people dancing. So I looked at Beethoven and he said "Ready when you are." So we just ran straight through him each grabbing an arm and picking him up off the ground and dragged him straight out the door. He didn't do anything except look punked out."
Me: "He wants me to make you go out and apologize."
Oregon: "If I go out there I am not apologizing..."
We laugh and then follow in on the chorus of "Closed family!" to empty the bar.
I don't employ bouncers who are the stereotypical 300lb, 6'6" silent meatheads. I employ well-spoken and capable guys who get the job done no matter their size. If you want to try and ignore what my guys say then be ready to get picked up like a kid and dragged out. No apologies for a job well done.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The 2 Rules of Fake Bar Fighting
Here is today's story. Bear with me as I refine the format.
Situation: A group of customers has been informed that several members of their party will not be allowed admission because they do not meet the establishment's posted dress code. After the door staff points to the 3'x2' sign they are standing next to which has HOUSE RULES across the top he reads the exact dress code policy. The customers begin to argue with the door staff and after a minute the customers begin a tirade of profanity filled slurs. His girlfriend holds him back from "getting into trouble fighting you white boys". The door staff remains passive to prevent further escalating the situation which has now stopped service at the door and has customers looking out the window. The customer exhibited the two telltale signs of "fake bar fighting".
Bar Fight Rules:
1. If you are talking you are not fighting.
2. If you want to fight someone nobody holds you back.
Working security gives me a front row seat to alot of fistfights. They happen extremely fast and they are vicious. They knock over people, spill drinks and tip tables. So after a while you can tell when people are just embarassed and don't want to look like they got punked by the doorstaff but are truly not ready to fight. They yell things like:
"You're lucky I don't come over there and beat your ***!"
"Don't let me see you on the street."
"I'll see you in the parking lot/at 2AM."
Most times they combine both rules 1 and 2. They pace around feigning intent to break through the crowd to get at the staff. Yelling any combination or variation of insult; they try to convince the crowd and probably themeselves that they are willing to fight.
The doorstaff will remain still, shoulder to shoulder and tell them to walk away. This is the strain of professionalism. In all honesty we are dying to equalize these morons but every night we refrain from indulging this to protect the bar. We have all seen enough fights where everything is quiet and then a guy will bulldoze (shove or even punch) his friend to get through and slug the other guy. No words, just violence. That is the true nature of a fight. Security immediately sizes up aggressive customers and we can tell who is going to fight.
For future reference: Nobody looks tough when they are walking away yelling at the security staff from the corner and especially if their girlfriend is the one holding them back. We are so relieved that that tough guy finds restraint from his 120lb girlfriend.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Situation: A group of customers has been informed that several members of their party will not be allowed admission because they do not meet the establishment's posted dress code. After the door staff points to the 3'x2' sign they are standing next to which has HOUSE RULES across the top he reads the exact dress code policy. The customers begin to argue with the door staff and after a minute the customers begin a tirade of profanity filled slurs. His girlfriend holds him back from "getting into trouble fighting you white boys". The door staff remains passive to prevent further escalating the situation which has now stopped service at the door and has customers looking out the window. The customer exhibited the two telltale signs of "fake bar fighting".
Bar Fight Rules:
1. If you are talking you are not fighting.
2. If you want to fight someone nobody holds you back.
Working security gives me a front row seat to alot of fistfights. They happen extremely fast and they are vicious. They knock over people, spill drinks and tip tables. So after a while you can tell when people are just embarassed and don't want to look like they got punked by the doorstaff but are truly not ready to fight. They yell things like:
"You're lucky I don't come over there and beat your ***!"
"Don't let me see you on the street."
"I'll see you in the parking lot/at 2AM."
Most times they combine both rules 1 and 2. They pace around feigning intent to break through the crowd to get at the staff. Yelling any combination or variation of insult; they try to convince the crowd and probably themeselves that they are willing to fight.
The doorstaff will remain still, shoulder to shoulder and tell them to walk away. This is the strain of professionalism. In all honesty we are dying to equalize these morons but every night we refrain from indulging this to protect the bar. We have all seen enough fights where everything is quiet and then a guy will bulldoze (shove or even punch) his friend to get through and slug the other guy. No words, just violence. That is the true nature of a fight. Security immediately sizes up aggressive customers and we can tell who is going to fight.
For future reference: Nobody looks tough when they are walking away yelling at the security staff from the corner and especially if their girlfriend is the one holding them back. We are so relieved that that tough guy finds restraint from his 120lb girlfriend.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Don't Punch Windows
Welcome to the first post of Bouncers' Wisdom. I will be posting stories and simple advice based on situations we encounter working security at a bar. While the people and situations may seem outlandish or unbelievable I assure you they are real.
Situation: Patron takes off his shirt and breaks a beer bottle on the dance floor. He is escorted out for disruptive behavior. His friends follow and playfully try to walk him back to the car to go home. The patron then headbutts the window and is pushed away by his friends before security confronts him. The patron then decides to wrap his hand with his shirt and punch out a window, he is stopped by the security staff and informed that this behavior is entirely unacceptable. His friend become enraged and attempts to fight the staff.
Some wisdom courtesy of the drunk guy at 1:45AM:
We have all seen the drunk, crazed guy who gets escorted out of the bar misbehave outside. He believes that he is beyond the reach of the staff on the sidewalk and paces back and forth. Cussing, taking off his shirt and fighting with his friends; he doesn't want his show to be over and seeks the patrons' attention through the window. For the most part bouncers will let this go. If he is not inhibiting our business we chalk this up as just another drunk guy who isn't ready to go home.
Bouncers' Wisdom: Punching windows gets you in trouble.
If he/she legitmately attempts to break an establishment's window he/she will get in trouble. If he succeeds the police are called to arrest him for vandalism and destruction of property along with potential assault charges since the broken glass puts staff and customers' in danger. The venue's management who already stay until 4-5AM are there even longer since we have to file a police report and internal incident reports for accountability and liability purposes for insurance and repairs. They can't go home since the broken window puts the venue in danger of break-ins.
If they are unsuccessful there is a reasonable chance security will handle the customer/vandal to impart the severity of his actions and to make sure that everyone knows this can't be tolerated.
If you are said knucklehead's friends do not try to back him up when he gets confronted by the staff. He is absolutely in the wrong and we are required to stop him before he can act further. I understand he is your friend but at some point you need to learn that your drunk friends can and will get you in trouble and it is always a bad idea to attack the security staff because your moron friend tried to break our property.
Our job is to protect the bar: property, business, staff and customers. You are probably drunk and definately wrong. Go home and come back and have a drink next week.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Situation: Patron takes off his shirt and breaks a beer bottle on the dance floor. He is escorted out for disruptive behavior. His friends follow and playfully try to walk him back to the car to go home. The patron then headbutts the window and is pushed away by his friends before security confronts him. The patron then decides to wrap his hand with his shirt and punch out a window, he is stopped by the security staff and informed that this behavior is entirely unacceptable. His friend become enraged and attempts to fight the staff.
Some wisdom courtesy of the drunk guy at 1:45AM:
We have all seen the drunk, crazed guy who gets escorted out of the bar misbehave outside. He believes that he is beyond the reach of the staff on the sidewalk and paces back and forth. Cussing, taking off his shirt and fighting with his friends; he doesn't want his show to be over and seeks the patrons' attention through the window. For the most part bouncers will let this go. If he is not inhibiting our business we chalk this up as just another drunk guy who isn't ready to go home.
Bouncers' Wisdom: Punching windows gets you in trouble.
If he/she legitmately attempts to break an establishment's window he/she will get in trouble. If he succeeds the police are called to arrest him for vandalism and destruction of property along with potential assault charges since the broken glass puts staff and customers' in danger. The venue's management who already stay until 4-5AM are there even longer since we have to file a police report and internal incident reports for accountability and liability purposes for insurance and repairs. They can't go home since the broken window puts the venue in danger of break-ins.
If they are unsuccessful there is a reasonable chance security will handle the customer/vandal to impart the severity of his actions and to make sure that everyone knows this can't be tolerated.
If you are said knucklehead's friends do not try to back him up when he gets confronted by the staff. He is absolutely in the wrong and we are required to stop him before he can act further. I understand he is your friend but at some point you need to learn that your drunk friends can and will get you in trouble and it is always a bad idea to attack the security staff because your moron friend tried to break our property.
Our job is to protect the bar: property, business, staff and customers. You are probably drunk and definately wrong. Go home and come back and have a drink next week.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
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