Dear readers,
Last Friday night on my way home a car about 150 yards in front of me slammed into a tree going 50+mph. The engine caught fire and I was one of a dozen people who ran to pull the passengers out of the car. The driver was drunk and killed 2 of the passengers and a third is in critical condition. That scene will stay with me forever. I end every story with "Drink responsibly and be safe". Please call a taxi or call a friend or walk. Do not put yourself or those around you in danger. Despite a car on fire we spent several minutes trying to pull someone from the wreckage who had no chance and held another's hand as they passed. I like to tell funny stories from a bar but I just want to ask everyone to be safe and don't let anyone drive drunk. My prayers are with the families of those victims while I don't know their names they have left me impacted deeply.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Please Be Patient
Writing a personality test for my readers and it takes far more time than I imagined. It will be coming shortly.
-Polite Bouncer
-Polite Bouncer
Monday, July 20, 2009
What Not To Say
Dibs suck, nothing is what it seems, better things come least expected, inspiration lacks, boredom abounds, and American economic policy should concentrate on a strong dollar and return to the gold standard.
This is a story from one of our servers. One of her customers attempted to spit some game and it went like this:
Douchebag Customer: "Are you new?"
Sharon: "No, I have worked here for two years."
DC: "Did you just have a baby?"
Sharon: "Excuse me?!"
DC: "Well, it just looks at though you may have recently had a baby."
*He stares at her boobs. She is petite and has rather large whatnots and is quite hot. We can only assume he was trying to be clever by insinuating in a roundabout manner.*
Sharon walks away and continues with her work trying to ignore the snickers of her tables. Picking up an order from the line; she is carrying out the plates when the loud-mouthed bathroom attendant yells "Wide Load coming through!". I can only hope that when she one day stabs a customer I get to see it for a follow up story for this blog.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
This is a story from one of our servers. One of her customers attempted to spit some game and it went like this:
Douchebag Customer: "Are you new?"
Sharon: "No, I have worked here for two years."
DC: "Did you just have a baby?"
Sharon: "Excuse me?!"
DC: "Well, it just looks at though you may have recently had a baby."
*He stares at her boobs. She is petite and has rather large whatnots and is quite hot. We can only assume he was trying to be clever by insinuating in a roundabout manner.*
Sharon walks away and continues with her work trying to ignore the snickers of her tables. Picking up an order from the line; she is carrying out the plates when the loud-mouthed bathroom attendant yells "Wide Load coming through!". I can only hope that when she one day stabs a customer I get to see it for a follow up story for this blog.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
HP6 MADNESS!
The crowd at the midnight showing was huge, costumed and excited. At 10PM there were well over 100 people and by 11PM well over 500. 6 theatres full of anxious Harry Potter fans!
Harry Potter Pickup Lines:
1. Don't worry, I got checked and I don't have Hogwarts.
2. Would you like to play with my wand?
3. When I am Seeker I always find the Golden Snitch.
4. Would you play with my Sorceror's Stones?
5. 2 Girls, 1 Goblet of Fire?
Seriously, it was a wonderful movie. Special effects and animation were flawless, the adaptation was adherent to the story but played with little exposition which was exciting and fairly novel to watch. Absolute must see, after wasting money to see Bruno (dear God why?!) HP6 was just what I needed.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Harry Potter Pickup Lines:
1. Don't worry, I got checked and I don't have Hogwarts.
2. Would you like to play with my wand?
3. When I am Seeker I always find the Golden Snitch.
4. Would you play with my Sorceror's Stones?
5. 2 Girls, 1 Goblet of Fire?
Seriously, it was a wonderful movie. Special effects and animation were flawless, the adaptation was adherent to the story but played with little exposition which was exciting and fairly novel to watch. Absolute must see, after wasting money to see Bruno (dear God why?!) HP6 was just what I needed.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Mistaken Identity
Brock Lesnar is a no class jerk, GSP needs to move up to Middleweight, and Dan Henderson is an American hero. I don't care if you resent me, as long as you continue reading...and dancing.
So I get called to the front door last night and there is a Deputy in the local Sheriff's office at the door. For half a second I wonder if I have done anything legally questionable. I ask him how I can help him and he says he has a to-go order he put in about half an hour ago. I walk back to the kitchen and ask but they say they have no orders. I ask the bar, the hostess and all the waitresses but get the same answer each time. Then I took a breath and planned out what I could do; while I crapped my pants wondering how we goofed a cop's order. As I walk back up to the front to check with the managers at the door I see the Deputy walk away. I ask if he was mad and they say "Yeah, at himself". It turns out he ordered it from another bar a couple blocks down the street and just forgot. He walked out of the bar to wait for his food and he saw our 5 story tall sign with the bar's name on it and through his keen investigative mind apparently pieced it together.
Patrons beware, we have a new undercover security member fresh from the coal mines of Texas.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
So I get called to the front door last night and there is a Deputy in the local Sheriff's office at the door. For half a second I wonder if I have done anything legally questionable. I ask him how I can help him and he says he has a to-go order he put in about half an hour ago. I walk back to the kitchen and ask but they say they have no orders. I ask the bar, the hostess and all the waitresses but get the same answer each time. Then I took a breath and planned out what I could do; while I crapped my pants wondering how we goofed a cop's order. As I walk back up to the front to check with the managers at the door I see the Deputy walk away. I ask if he was mad and they say "Yeah, at himself". It turns out he ordered it from another bar a couple blocks down the street and just forgot. He walked out of the bar to wait for his food and he saw our 5 story tall sign with the bar's name on it and through his keen investigative mind apparently pieced it together.
Patrons beware, we have a new undercover security member fresh from the coal mines of Texas.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Musings of an Unrested Bouncer
Taking my precious few free moments today to rest before work. And of course to feed your blog appetite you mindless readerbots!
UFC 100 Picks:
Bisping over Henderson: TKO.
St. Pierre over Alves: Unanimous Decision.
Mir over Lesnar: TKO via Submission.
Quote of the Night:
"You're a knuckle-dragging caveman."
-Man at the front door to the doorman.
Security Debate:
Should Michael Jackson's family and/or estate be liable to pay the $2,000,000.00 it cost the city of Los Angeles for his funeral?
Feel free to post your opinion in a comment on this thread as always.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
UFC 100 Picks:
Bisping over Henderson: TKO.
St. Pierre over Alves: Unanimous Decision.
Mir over Lesnar: TKO via Submission.
Quote of the Night:
"You're a knuckle-dragging caveman."
-Man at the front door to the doorman.
Security Debate:
Should Michael Jackson's family and/or estate be liable to pay the $2,000,000.00 it cost the city of Los Angeles for his funeral?
Feel free to post your opinion in a comment on this thread as always.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
Friday, July 10, 2009
Don't Make Us The Bad Guys Pt. 1
Warehouse 13, Better Off Ted, The Philanthropist and Burn Notice. All quite good shows that I am watching at the moment, take a look. Holy screaming co-eds Batman!
I feel if you were formerly employed at an establishment you would know that the management knows your age. I tell this to a former waitress who snuck in 3 months after getting fired hoping she would understand. Is it a surprise when we escort you out of the building? I think not, but regardless you are treated with more respect than usual. We take your drink and whisper to ask you to leave so the whole VIP room isn't staring.
How many James Bond movies do you need to watch before trying to come back? We know this waitress who tries this is 19 years old. I happened to be there when she tried, so I am at the front door when she returns. I am watching as she passes a fake to the doorman. My door staff never really interacted with her during her 4 week employment most notably marked by chronic absence. I ask to see the ID:
Me: "Didn't you use to work here?"
Lucretia: "No, that was my sister."
Me: "Really, you two could be twins."
Lucretia: "....."
Me: "Well, you show me a matching credit card and I will let you in."
I tell my door guy she is either lying or a doppelganger. Not many 5'11" girls walking around here with too much cleavage who smell like low self-esteem. I go in and tell the other managers and as we walk up to laugh at her she bolts. 2 weeks later I stop by the local college hangout and who do I see throwing herself around but our secret identity waitress. She jumps on me and coyly admonishes me for not letting her in. Then I watch her make out with another girl while 2 guys hump her on the dance floor. So classy.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
I feel if you were formerly employed at an establishment you would know that the management knows your age. I tell this to a former waitress who snuck in 3 months after getting fired hoping she would understand. Is it a surprise when we escort you out of the building? I think not, but regardless you are treated with more respect than usual. We take your drink and whisper to ask you to leave so the whole VIP room isn't staring.
How many James Bond movies do you need to watch before trying to come back? We know this waitress who tries this is 19 years old. I happened to be there when she tried, so I am at the front door when she returns. I am watching as she passes a fake to the doorman. My door staff never really interacted with her during her 4 week employment most notably marked by chronic absence. I ask to see the ID:
Me: "Didn't you use to work here?"
Lucretia: "No, that was my sister."
Me: "Really, you two could be twins."
Lucretia: "....."
Me: "Well, you show me a matching credit card and I will let you in."
I tell my door guy she is either lying or a doppelganger. Not many 5'11" girls walking around here with too much cleavage who smell like low self-esteem. I go in and tell the other managers and as we walk up to laugh at her she bolts. 2 weeks later I stop by the local college hangout and who do I see throwing herself around but our secret identity waitress. She jumps on me and coyly admonishes me for not letting her in. Then I watch her make out with another girl while 2 guys hump her on the dance floor. So classy.
Drink responsibly and be safe,
-Polite Bouncer
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